Saturday, 1 June 2013

Nekromantik - Will's Review

As very few people read these things, and even fewer of those are likely to see this movie, I'm going to feel free to use spoilers. If you think you might be interested seeing in a poorly made, dull, corpse-fucking movie; stop reading now , and go track down a copy of Necromantic.

Thank god they're gone.

The movie opens with a woman taking a piss in a layby. Given that she dies all of 2 minutes later, I think it's unlikely that the director felt that this was a character building moment; so I can only assume that this was intended for titillation. (Don't worry all you female urophiliacs, by the 8 minute mark, you'll get to see a man pissing too)

So, as I mention, soon after taking a leak in a layby, the woman (along with the guy driving her) are killed in a car crash.

Cue a bunch of guys in hazmat suits (and no gloves) arrive on the scene to cordon it off, and set too picking up the woman's intestines (did I mention no gloves?) and dropping them into bin bags, while one of their colleagues cuts into the car with a consumer grade angle grinder to remove the man's body from the car.

Now, you might think that things like cordons would be handled by the police, and that the bodies would be cleared away by either a forensic technician or a coroner... Nope. Our guys work for a cleaning company.

It would seem like investigating a lethal car-crash isn't a high priority in Germany; getting the mess cleans up as fast and inexpensively as possible is key!

And so, we meet Rob, one of the cleaners, who helps himself to an eyeball and a heart from the scene (pfft, the relatives clearly weren't getting the body back anyway, who's going to miss a few parts?).

It turns out that Rob has quite a body-parts collection at home, which his girlfriend enjoys as much as he does (but then, she also likes cat blood in her bath water).

The next day at work, Rob hits pay dirt - the company are employed to remove a badly decomposing body from a lake, and Rob is charged with getting rid of it (again, investigations not a big thing in the Necromantic universe). 

So, of course, he takes it home for a threesome.

Unfortunately, our drown-man's penis has entirely rotted away, so Rob's girlfriend has to impale the corpse's groin area with a pole so she has somewhere to sit.

There is an extended scene of the two of them licking the slimy corpse, sucking its eyeballs and generally having sexy-time with it.

Incidentally, she does put a condom on the pole before inserting it... The deadly pathogens in rotting flesh may not be a thing in the movies cannon, but steel-pipe AIDS seems to be a very real concern.

They split up after he loses his job (a man who can't bring home cadavers? A self respecting woman can't be expected to put up with such things) and goes into a depression spiral that climaxes (quite literally) with a hilariously graphic (and hilariously bad) autoerotic suicide.

The suicide warrants a mention, and was easily the best/worst part of the movie. After finding the inner peace that only deciding to take your own life can bring, rob lays on his bed, pops out his cock (a joke-shop quality dildo) and stabs himself repeatedly in the stomach while, if you'll pardon the expression, cumming buckets. Seriously. Peter North has nothing in this guy.

Then there's a final sting in which an unseen woman starts digging up Rob's grave... Setting up next week's movie.

I had far more fun writing this review than I had watching the movie.

1 comment:

  1. Lol. This has to be one of your best reviews, if not the best one. Cackled all the way through. When I read "The movie opens with a woman taking a piss in a layby."... I knew it was going to be a gem.

    Concur wholeheartedly.